Wow, it has been almost 6 months since baby Kalliszta graced our world. Though the country and world outside are a real shit show at the moment, the little world inside our apartment is quite lovely. Since coming home from the hospital on Kalliszta’s third day of life, I have been taking notes in my head about everything I was experiencing and thinking, and only now, after decommissioning myself for 2 full Saturday afternoons, was I able to start attempting a first draft. For brevity’s sake (ha!), I’ve broken down my thoughts into bullet points.

The first 5 days (at home):

• I did not sleep a wink the first 3 nights. 
• When I did finally sleep (poorly at best), I ended up with my arms in the shape of a cradle, like I was holding Kalliszta, and would wake up in a heart palpitating panic because she wasn’t in my arms (but safely asleep in her bassinet where we placed her).
• I would wake up and go to her at her every little movement, louder breath, or noise. On the 4th night we moved the bassinet right next to the bed so I didn’t have to get out of bed to look at her.
• Standing or walking for more than 20 minutes was painful. Sitting was also painful, except this was immediate pain, not after an excess of 20 minutes. And since it hurt to sit and to stand, I did a lot of laying down.
• I cried a lot. I cried because my milk had not come in yet. I cried when my milk started to come in, and I spilled it. I cried because I couldn’t help Kalliszta latch. I cried because I was so tired. I cried because I was scared Kalliszta wouldn’t clear her jaundice. I cried because I was in physical pain. I cried because I didn’t know if Kalliszta knew I was her mom.
• I internally questioned the sanity of women who chose to give birth again.
• I had an irrational fear of the balcony and would not go out there with her.
• Stool softeners became my new best friend. 
• Sitz baths also became my best friend. A Sitz bath is a plastic shallow tub that fits on your toilet above the water level, and you fill it with warm water and just sit in it, relaxing every part of you that has been stretched and stitched. And because it’s so relaxing and I had no control over my muscles, I would immediately pee when I touched the water so I had to dump it and refill it every time. Fun. 
• I held back my sneezes because I would pee. 
• I tried not to laugh or cough or sneeze because IT HURT my vagina very badly.
• Aloe spray and witch hazel pads on top of my hospital grade incontinence maxi pads, changed out every 3ish hours, also became my new best friends. As well as peri-bottles filled with warm water to squirt at myself while peeing and pooping.
• Her name is her name and who she is, and I can’t imagine having named her anything else.
• She was born early, but I didn’t realize how much I missed her until she was in my life, and waiting those three weeks to meet her would have been excruciating.
• While Kalliszta slept, I would stick my face right next to her body every 20 minutes or so to check if she was breathing. She was every time. 
• Yoga poses she has mastered: shavasana
• I love her so much.

The first 5 weeks:

• I continued to sleep poorly at night.
• I was unable to take naps during the day. “They” say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but I found that to be mostly impossible because I also have to pump, eat, pump, shower, brush my teeth, poop, pump, etc. Sleep was the lowest on the totem pole.
• My mom was with us for the first 2.5 months and I took full advantage and showered everyday. This was the only thing that made me feel human. My mom, Kalliszta’s Mima, is a rock star and we were so thankful for her help, cooking for the adults, taking over the 4am feed, and being a great and loving support and presence.
• I cried. But less and less. Postpartum depression is very real, even though I only had a very mild case (self-diagnosed). Bill was instrumental in getting me through those moments, and sometimes I just had to cry it out. I cried when I read a book about a dancing giraffe. I cried when I looked in the mirror and saw how I looked (terrible) and how unrecognizable my body had become to myself. I cried because trying to breastfeed was not working, and it stressed me out. I cried because I didn’t want my mom around when I was trying to breastfeed because that stressed me out even more, but that made me feel incredibly guilty because I wanted and needed her around. I cried because my nipples hurt from trying to breastfeed. I cried because my nipples hurt from pumping 6+ times a day. I cried because sometimes I would pump while someone else fed my baby in another room. I cried because I was overwhelmed. I cried because I still didn’t know if Kalliszta knew I was her mom.
• By week 2 I stopped bleeding. But I still wore the mesh undies for another week because my god are they comfortable. 
• At week 2 we switched from the SNS, supplemental nursing system, to finger feeding. I could do a whole blog post about feeding my baby, but a quick summary:
  • Week 1: Supplemental Nursing System (bottle of milk (formula the first day or two, then my milk after that with one feed a day (out of 8) of formula) held up high so gravity pulls milk into the tube that feeds into a plastic nipple shield on my nipple). This led to a lot of spillage because of the plastic shield coming loose. The plastic shield would get full of milk and drip out, making it easy for Kalliszta to get milk without having to latch. 
  • Week 2 and 3: Tube finger feeding with my milk. Instead of milk in the bottle into a tube into a nipple shield, we put the tube into a syringe and put the tube on the tip of our finger. Kalliszta would suck on our finger with the tube, and we would push the syringe to let milk out. This was exhausting, and a careful balancing act of not pushing too much milk or only pushing milk when she was sucking. This went on two weeks too long. 
  • Week 3: Bottle feeding with my milk. Our pediatric nurse agreed with that above sentiment and gave us our first bottle. Kalliszta took to it right away. Her parents were relieved. While I still attempted breastfeeding, we were just not having success. I was in pain, Kalliszta was upset and hungry, I was getting frustrated, and even though we had a few victories (like when we got hands-on help from the lactation consultant) we never had success without the plastic nipple shield. The lactation consultant gave me “permission” to stop trying to breastfeed so that my chapped and sore nipples could heal. She also gave me an ointment to put on them and these shells to wear inside my bra. These shells saved my life. It allowed my nipples to not be touching anything while also collecting dripping milk. 
• At her 3 week check up, the pediatric nurse commented on her, and I quote, “great muscle tone” and her doctor said she has, and I quote, “perfect skin”. Kalliszta is strong and perfect. Apple <-> Tree, not far.

  

• By week 3 sneezes didn’t hurt anymore, but I still peed a little.
• By week 4 I still couldn’t stop my pee flow. 
• By week 5 I could stop my pee flow! Kegels!
• I am so tired and sleep deprived that I can barely do simple math, like recording how much I pump or how much Kalliszta ate or when. Since we were keeping track of her feedings in military time I had to count on my fingers any time that was past 13:00.
• I am so tired that I forget if I pooped that day. 
• Kalliszta makes the cutest noises, like little kitten squeaks! 
• I really disliked pumping. Other than it hurting my nipples until the lactation consultant gave me the ointment and the softshells to wear everyday, I hated that it took me away from Kalliszta when we had people over – I had to go into my room to pump by myself. It was upsetting to me that I had to be displaced in my own home and be separated from Kalliszta, so sometimes I brought her in my room with me to be alone with her while I pumped. 
• While Kalliszta slept, I would stick my face right next to her body every 20 minutes or so to check if she was breathing. She was every time.
• By week 3 she fit into “newborn” sized clothes!
• By week 5 she outgrew her “newborn” sized clothes!
• I love napping with her and twinning with her.
• She loves pooping on daddy. 
• She loves grabbing a hold of mommy’s hair with her superhuman grip.
• She definitely recognizes me and follows me with her eyes!
• Yoga poses she has mastered: shavasana, cobra, up-dog. Yoga poses she is working on: supine twist, locust pose aka superman pose.
• I love her so much.

The first 5 months:

• By now everything just got a lot easier. Or I got used to functioning at half capacity brain function due to lack of sleep, lack of quality of sleep, and physical discomfort (my back constantly hurts from bending over, my knees constantly hurt from squatting down). And now that Kalliszta has been smiling and laughing for a couple of months, the aforementioned personal ailments make it all worth it for that big grin.
• By now I made peace with pumping. As it became clear, maybe 2 months in, that I would become an EP [exclusive pumper] – meaning Kalliszta drinks my breast milk from a bottle – I shifted my mindset around pumping. The 30 minutes 6-7 times a day became my time to watch something on Netflix, listen to some podcasts, and have some “me” time while I am plugged into a machine like a dairy cow. Let’s be clear, this is not necessarily relaxing or comfortable, I have to sit up straight for it to work, so it’s not like I can nap during this time. It is also uncomfortable to be on a computer because of the awkward outward angle I have to keep my arms to get to the keyboard. I can’t have the laptop on my lap because the milk bottles hanging from my breasts don’t leave enough room. I also have to sit in one place while I pump because the machine has to be plugged in. Rarely I would use the crazy heavy battery pack to move around a little so I could brush my teeth, wash some dishes, or do some other essential task, but the battery pack is on a short cord and the machine itself has an awkward carrying handle so moving around and having my hands free while pumping was basically a pipe dream. I did buy another pump that would make mobility easier, but I didn’t like it as much, didn’t work as well, and I just gave up on it. And going anywhere had to be an event timed around my pumping, which would occur about every 3 hours. Lots of logistics and headaches and extra packing. I especially hate pumping anywhere that is not in my home, but have often had to unfortunately pump in the car.
• I am so tired that I forget I put Kalliszta in her bassinet from the floor play mat and freak out when I don’t see her on her mat.
• As selfish as this will sound, I loved having time with Kalliszta all to myself. Once my mom left in mid-January and before Bill’s parents came in late-February, while Bill was at work during the day it was just Kalliszta and me. I had been craving this and needing this alone time with her since she was born, and finally she and I really got the bonding that I needed. 
• A follow-up to the above bullet point: it would have been near impossible to survive the first month solely by myself. I don’t know how single mom’s do it. From physically not being able to move, and being too tired to even make food, I feel fortunate to have a partner and a mom. 
•  By 2 months Kalliszta was socially smiling! Her smiles made for a nice send off for my mom. Kalliszta loved having her early mornings with Mima. 
• Like mother like daughter: we both have FOMO (fear of missing out), and we both are happy when we are clean.
• Like father like daughter: they both will eat leftovers and are not picky about temperature. Kalliszta will drink milk straight from the fridge. 
• One happy family: big poops and stinky farts!
• Bill went back to work on January 2nd (I won’t get in to parental leave right now, but let’s just say I have a lot to say about it), and my mom left on January 15th. On January 16th, after Bill fed Kalliszta her 4am meal while I pumped, I stayed up, did yoga, took a shower, made breakfast for myself and felt I was ready to tackle the day by myself by the time Bill left for work in the morning. I thought this was going to become my easy everyday schedule, but by January 17th I went back to bed after Kalliszta’s 4am feed and didn’t wake up until she did. So much for that. 
• I went back to work in early March and it was wonderful to have Bill’s parents here to help us out and help with childcare during the day while we both worked. It worked out that Bill and I were able to work from home a lot which was really nice. Don’t worry, I will do a whole post about work/working from home.
• There are days I don’t brush my teeth until 4pm because my days looked like a never ending cycle of bottle washing and pumping.  I know all this because we have been recording when and how much milk Kalliszta drinks since she was born. This is a day from early February, at about 3 months. Keep in mind when I say “play on the playmat” it means lots of things, from laying on the playmat looking in the mirror or trying to grab at toys, or holding her in my lap reading to her or singing to her, or sitting in the swing, and usually with some music on in the background:
  • 4am, pump while Bill feeds Kalliszta, take the pumped milk and pour it into storage bottles and label the time and date, go back to sleep
  • 6am, feed Kalliszta, go back to sleep
  • 9am, feed Kalliszta while I pump: this is an awkward set up where I prop Kalliszta up on pillows on the bed while I sit on the bed with my back unsupported and pump. I hated this because I couldn’t cradle Kalliszta in my arms while she ate, and I had to sit with my leg bent under me so I could face Kalliszta and now my knee hurts.
  • 9:40am, change Kalliszta’s diaper and out of her pj’s, come out to the living room for play time on the playmat. 
  • 9:45am, take the pumped milk and pour it into storage bottles and label the time and date; take the oldest storage bottles and pour that into a drinking bottle and label with the time and date; move all the bottles in the fridge down one spot to make room for the new bottle; wash the bottle Kalliszta just drank from and wash the now empty storage bottles. 
  • 10am, cuddle Kalliszta and lay her down for a nap.
  • 10:30am, run a load of baby laundry, fold the clean adult laundry, go pee and put on clean underwear.
  • 11am, feed Kalliszta.
  • 11:30am, change Kalliszta’s diaper and playtime on the playmat, wash the bottle Kalliszta just drank from.
  • 12 noon, drink water, pump sitting uncomfortably on the ground while playing with Kalliszta.
  • 12:40pm, take the pumped milk and pour it into storage bottles and label the time and date; take the oldest storage bottles and pour that into a drinking bottle and label with the time and date; move all the bottles in the fridge down one spot to make room for the new bottle; wash the now empty storage bottles.

    

    

  • 1pm, cuddle Kalliszta and lay her down for a nap.
  • 1:20pm, forgot about the baby laundry, move it to the dryer. 
  • 1:30pm, make breakfast: toast with an egg on it on top of a bed of spinach.
  • 1:45pm, scarf down as much of the food as possible before Kalliszta wakes up standing over the sink while cleaning up after making breakfast.   
  • 2pm, Kalliszta is awake, change her diaper, come out to the living room to play on the playmat. 
  • 2:20pm feed Kalliszta.
  • 2:50pm, drink water, pump sitting uncomfortably on the ground while playing with Kalliszta.
  • 3:30pm, cuddle Kalliszta and lay her down for a nap.
  • 3:40pm, take the pumped milk and pour it into storage bottles and label the time and date; take the oldest storage bottles and pour that into a drinking bottle and label with the time and date; move all the bottles in the fridge down one spot to make room for the new bottle; wash the bottle Kalliszta just drank from and wash the now empty storage bottles.
  • 4pm, brush my teeth while I pee, wash my face, brush my hair, and I am ready for the day! Oh, it’s 4pm. 
  • 4:20pm, Kalliszta is awake, change her diaper.
  • 4:30pm, feed Kalliszta.
  • 5pm, prep the stroller for a walk while Kalliszta plays on the playmat.
  • 5:30pm, head out on a walk to meet daddy at the ferry.
  • 6pm, meet daddy at the ferry while napping in the stroller.
  • 6:30pm, arrive back home, pump while daddy feeds Kalliszta and changes her diaper.
  • 7pm, turn on Jeopardy, take the pumped milk and pour it into storage bottles and label the time and date; take the oldest storage bottles and pour that into a drinking bottle and label with the time and date; move all the bottles in the fridge down one spot to make room for the new bottle; wash the bottle Kalliszta just drank from and wash the now empty storage bottles.
  • 7:30pm, Kalliszta is asleep “for the night” until about midnight, think about making/eating dinner, either mommy or daddy cooks pasta and veggies.
  • 8pm, eat dinner, drink water, remember the baby laundry, take it out from the dryer and fold clothes while watching Netflix.
  • 9pm, throw everything in the dishwasher, start the dishwasher. 
  • 9:30pm, pump while watching Netflix in the living room. 
  • 10:10pm, take the pumped milk and pour it into storage bottles and label the time and date; take the oldest storage bottles and pour that into a drinking bottle and label with the time and date; move all the bottles in the fridge down one spot to make room for the new bottle; wash the now empty storage bottles.
  • 10:30pm internally debate about staying up another one and a half to two hours to zone out in front of the TV until Kalliszta wakes back up, or go to sleep until Kalliszta wakes back up. Your guess about what I did is as good as mine, but I am pretty sure I brush my teeth at this point either way.
  • 12 midnight, Kalliszta wakes up, pump while Bill feeds her, take the pumped milk and pour it into storage bottles and label the time and date; take the oldest storage bottles and pour that into a drinking bottle and label with the time and date; move all the bottles in the fridge down one spot to make room for the new bottle; wash the bottle Kalliszta just drank from and wash the now empty storage bottles.
  • 12:40am go (back?) to sleep
  • Run it back from the top. 
• As of writing this post, I am finally pumping less frequently since we now have a month’s surplus of milk in the freezer.
• Because of the above (the intentional lowering of my milk production to have to pump less), my period came back a little after 5 months and for the first time since getting pregnant my body feels back to normal. My boobs are back to their former selves, thus allowing me to sleep discomfort-free on my belly!
• The emotional struggles of breastfeeding feel like a lifetime ago.
• With the physical and emotional pains of childbirth and recovery behind me, I understand women who chose to give birth again.
• I am extra sensitive to the point of crying when babies and kids are hurt in a TV show or movie. I would obviously be sad before, but now that I have a baby, I feel the pain so deeply. Even when it is a fictional character on a show that I don’t watch. Bill tried to watch The Witcher on Netflix – it was not good so he stopped – but I caught a scene when some lady is holding a baby and some monster is trying to get them so she does a space/time jump and lands in the frozen ocean somewhere and the baby dies and she buries the baby when she gets to shore. I don’t know who these characters are and obviously this is not real, but I could not handle it.
• At about 5 months she moved from her bassinet to her crib! She also naturally weaned herself from the swaddle at like 2 months because she likes to be free!
• She is rolling over from her back to her stomach, arguably the harder roll over!
• Kalliszta laughs and smiles all throughout the day and on my gosh I love her so much. We sing and we laugh together, we read books together, and she practices grabbing things, and she loves talking to herself, and shrieking loudly with delight. I just can’t get enough of her. She is napping in the other room right now and I miss her. It is impossible to express how much I love her. 
• Yoga poses she has mastered: shavasana, cobra, up-dog, supine twist,  locust pose aka superman pose, and happy baby! Yoga poses she is working on: sitting pose, table top.
• At almost 6 months old, she is far cooler than I can ever even dream to be.

 

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