Dear My Soon-to-be-Second Born,

I love you. 

I feel guilty for not meticulously tracking this pregnancy like I did for your big sister. When people ask me how far along I am I never know. I tell them your due date and assume they will do the backwards math. I feel guilty I haven’t been taking “bump” photos every single week like I did with your big sister. I feel guilty that when your dad and I first talked about your “birth plan”, my initial thought was to make sure your big sister will be taken care of and not feel scared or abandoned. I have never spent a night apart from her and I am nervous about that. I feel guilty that we haven’t yet, and probably won’t have, a maternity photo shoot with your dad, your big sister, and me and you still in my belly, even though we did one with your big sister. I feel guilty that your big sister got 2 baby showers (one in New York at Mima and Nagypapa’s house and one in Illinois at Grandma Judy and Grandpa Bob’s house) and you didn’t even get 1.

— We did have all your grandparents and your cousins over on Labor Day, but I didn’t want presents so we just had a hangout with a bounce house and a slip ‘n slide. It is not that I don’t want you to have presents, I just didn’t want unnecessary stuff in our small rental home because we already have a lot of stuff in not a lot of space. I did want an ice cream cake though. When I placed the order the lady on the phone asked if I wanted anything written on it, so I said she can write “Welcome Zelda”.  But I did that just for you and me, not for any baby shower or baby sprinkle. I took a picture and quickly cut into the cake before anyone saw it. —

You will probably have to wait longer than your big sister did for a diaper change, or for some milk. And you will have to put up with a mommy who is more tired than your sister did. 

From the outside looking in, it may appear as if I care less, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I promise that even though you won’t always have my attention, when you do, I will be 100% completely present with you and make you feel as special as you truly are. When I think about the love I have for your big sister, I get completely overwhelmed by the emotion. The concept of infinity is one I understand, but I know I won’t fully grasp how infinite love can just double until I hold you for the first time. It is a rush of emotion that mothers of multiple children tell me will happen. I don’t doubt them, but I just haven’t experienced that yet and it is hard to imagine. But there’s always room at the Hilbert Hotel (you know, that thought experiment about the hotel with the infinite rooms all of which are occupied but then an infinite number of new guests arrive and still the hotel is able to accommodate them). I think it’s something like that. 

Even though I am at the hospital often for our appointments, your Dad and Mima had a chance to familiarize themselves a bit two weekends ago because we drove to Northwestern in Chicago to check it out. I love that your sister was born in a big city at a big university hospital, and I wanted the same for you. I wonder if that will be a source of pride for you. I do hope so because I agonized over which hospital and what OB practice to go with the first many weeks after we moved to Illinois. You and I checked out 4 different places, and I think we made the right choice. We had to make a decision somewhat quickly because we moved during the short window of genetic testing, and we had to get appointments right away. Luckily every place we wanted to check out was able to squeeze us in, and the genetic test results came back as good news. Hopefully there will be no traffic on the day of, because we live an hour away! I’m considering a scheduled induction because of that, and other health reasons I’ll mention below. And finally, a month or so ago, I started nesting. The top drawer of my dresser is all yours, with size 1 diapers and newborn sized clothes ready to go, and your ultrasound pictures are hung up above. You now have your own hamper for your dirty clothes, so your dad and I won’t have to sort the newborn and 2T clothes. 

At 36 weeks minus 3 days my blood pressure went up from my normal 117ish/60ish so that evening your dada put the bassinet back together and put the infant car seat in the car. We finished packing our “go-bag” as well. The next day my blood pressure hit 140/90 which triggered a call to triage. Your dad and I went into the office, not to triage, to monitor you on the Non-Stress Test machines and to test my blood pressure. You were moving well and had a good heartbeat, and my BPs in the hospital were in the high 130s over high 80s. I was released because the doctor knew I would be back in 2 days for our 36 week appointment for a follow up. It was at this time during my last pregnancy that my high blood pressure made its debut, and a couple of days later your big sister was here. I am monitoring my numbers at home and if we get to the high 140s and high 90s, it will be go time. Now at 8 months and 4 days pregnant, I am starting to feel ready. And would you look at that, I guess I DO know how far along we are!

Love,

Mommy

P.S. Some important commentary I felt necessary to share:

Because I was hoping to get pregnant again, I was tracking my period. For most of my adult life though, I never did. I couldn’t tell you if I was generally regular or not. When I would forget to take my birth control pills for 3 days in a row and had to wait for a new cycle to start taking them again, I am pretty sure my body got thrown off. That happened more times than I can remember. I am pretty lucky that my heaviest flow days are lighter than the average woman, and that there are very few of those days each cycle. I don’t remember how far along I was with you when I finally peed on a stick (remember, I had 2 failed pregnancies before you but after your big sister, and didn’t want to keep getting ahead of myself) but our first appointment with a doctor was at 12 weeks. All of this is to say that SO many women, including myself with your older sister, don’t know they are pregnant at 6 weeks. What is happening in Texas right now and the ramifications it will have in our country has me deeply scared and worried, most especially for women below a certain socio-economic status, a disproportionate amount of whom identify as a person of color, because rich women can always travel to a state that does not deny them of their constitutional right. 

Statistically, more than half of the women seeking abortions are already mothers. Mothers know what it is like to experience that infinite love of a child. Why would someone not want to double that infinite love? It is no doubt because our society doesn’t actually care about them or their children. To force a woman to have a child, but NOT guarantee that woman a living wage, free (or affordable) quality healthcare, the ability to attend all prenatal and postnatal doctors visits without facing penalties at work such as dock in pay, no pay, or being laid off, the access to affordable transportation to and from the doctor, paid time off to heal from the trauma of childbirth and to bond with the baby, paid time at work to pump milk in a safe and private setting, free or affordable* high quality child care to care for the child while at work, and free high quality healthcare for the child from the moment they are born, is not a society I want to live in, but, devastatingly, is the society we are living in. Without these social supports, one cannot claim to be “pro-life” or “pro-family” when the life of the mother and the life of the now born child are ignored. It is not surprising that the number of abortions in our country decline – go down in number – during Democratic presidential years because of the access to birth control and social supports mentioned above. As an example, Biden’s spending plan would make preschool free starting at age 3, subsidize child care before then, mandate 12 weeks of paid family leave, and combat food insecurity. 

In denying women their bodily autonomy and constitutional right, we as a society are doubling down on our patriarchal white supremacist misogynistic roots and are purposefully keeping people in the cycle of poverty. To be anti-abortion is racist. To be anti-abortion is classist. To be anti-abortion is mysoginst. Whether it’s non-consensual sterilization (something that has happened to women, especially of women of color, since the founding of our country and still happening today in our country) or the banning of abortion, it’s like which is it patriarchy? You want us having babies or not? Oh, it’s about staying in power by controlling and oppressing women and not actually about life or family or freedom? Oh ok cool, got it. 

*”The Department of Health and Human Services considers child care affordable if it costs families no more than 7% of their income.”

Dear Kalliszta, My First Born,

I love you. 

I feel guilty about the time and attention I won’t be able to give to you soon. For your whole life, I have been available when you needed me or wanted me, and I love being able to give that to you. I feel guilty that I am not doing enough to make your transition into siblinghood easier, even though the other day you gave my belly “your baby” a hug. You will probably have to wait longer for a diaper change or for some snacks or for a book to be read to you than you are used to right now. And you will have to put up with a mommy who is more tired than you are used to. But I promise that even though you won’t always have my attention, when you do, I will be 100% completely present with you and make you feel as special as you truly are. 

I can’t wait to see you in your new role as a big sibling. Your little sibling is extremely lucky to have you to look up to. You aren’t even 2 years old, but you already know the letters of the alphabet, can count to 10, identify a handful of colors and shapes, and know two really funny jokes*! Your energy is endless, your laugh is contagious, and I hope your love of books stays with you and continues to grow. I love that you call yourself Kissa and that you LOVE the moon. I also love that you call the vacuum “dacdum” and that we get to hug every time Daddy uses it to get all the crumbs off the floor after you eat because it is loud. You don’t like it when I am holding you and I hug Daddy, or when Daddy is holding you and he hugs me, so I anticipate the same thing will happen with your little sibling: you will push them away and say “No”. We will work on sharing the love, because you are starting to understand the concept of sharing, and taking turns. When you say “Kissa turn” and point to yourself at the playground when you want the other kid to get off so you can go, it is the cutest thing in the world. Taking turns is hard – you are truly your mother’s daughter because you don’t enjoy waiting. Lines are seriously the worst. 

People talk about the “terrible 2s” as the time when toddlers say “no” to everything and are generally defiant. I don’t see this as terrible at all, and I genuinely hope that you never lose that attitude, even though society will try to train it out of you. I hope you always say “no” when you want to. As a girl and as a woman, people will call you “difficult” or “too assertive” or “bossy”, words that would never be used to negatively describe a boy or a man, but I encourage you to fuck politeness. It’s funny because I think about what it would mean for you to rebel as you grow older. I think it might be hard to rebel because if that means you are being true to yourself, I will only love you and support you for it. My only real hopes are that you won’t become a conservative, that you don’t intentionally blow off school, and that you won’t join a religious cult. You are too headstrong, curious, and independent to do those things anyway. You inspire me so much, make me laugh constantly, and I just can’t get enough of you. 

Love,

Mommy

*How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Boo!

Boo who?

Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!